photo credit: petarsthreehundredwomen.blogspot.com
First of all I would love to apologize for not blogging in a while, I have absolutely no excuse other than my own laziness and too many series to watch. Anyway I am back and there are a lot of thing in my head I want to share with my readers.
Lately a lot of things I have experienced has made me question the kind of person I am; whether I am an idealist, a naïve little girl or just stupid. Let me tell you why! I took a personality test a while ago that told me I am a ‘harmony seeking idealist’ (halla!! cause its true) but the downside of being an idealist is that you get constantly disappointed by people and things around you because your expectations and reality are at polar opposites, so once again I am an idealist and that has caused me more pain than I can put into words. I have learnt recently that practically everyone is out for himself and some of the people I thought were looking out for me would always choose themselves when it came down to it. I am the kind of person that generally places a lot of peoples happiness above my own, it’s not something I have to think about, it’s just my nature and as an idealist I kind of expect this from others (unconsciously) but its most times never the case. Some have called me naïve and many have said I will never survive this world with that kind of attitude that I have to look out for myself always because no one will.
This is how I see it; I am an idealist, I may be a little naïve but I am not stupid because if loving people and looking out for others is stupidity then call me a dunce (please don’t :):):)). I guess what I am trying to say is that I may have to adjust a bit and add or dash (or a whole bottle) of realism to my idealist blend but I will never stop looking out for the good in people and expecting good to come out of situations because that would mean I stop being who I am.
So to my readers love but be wise; that’s something I am learning to do every day.
Growing up I always felt like there was something wrong or broken about me cause I wasn’t as free and outspoken as my big sister. Whenever there was a program in school my sister always has a role to play either she was in the debate or making a speech or some kind of recitation while I was in the audience and not even in the front but in a corner where people won’t really talk to me. Most people just called me shy and said I would outgrow it but I laugh in their faces because I never did. I hated the fact that people treated me differently cause I was quiet and reserved and it wasn’t a good kind of differently so as I got older and got more acquainted with the internet I downloaded books and read more and more and more and more about what I felt was wrong with me.
At this point I will like to make a distinction between three concepts people always jumble together and I learnt the difference when I read Susan Cain’s book “Quiet: The power of introvert in a world that won’t stop talking” and I recommend this book to all the introverts out there who can relate to my experience. So the three concepts are; Introvertism, shyness and social anxiety. These three are not the same in any way but are related. Now an introvert is someone who prefers their personal time to being in crowds or with people. They are more themselves in solemnity and quietness because that is where they shine. Introverts can be bold and social when they want to be but they would rather be reserved and alone. It’s important to note that introverts are not lonely because the same way an extrovert is very excited at a party or in a gathering, that’s how an introvert feels with a good book or a nice quiet evening. To others it’s strange but to them it’s perfectly normal.
The second one is shyness. Unlike the introverts, shy people want to partake in events and socialize with others but don’t know how to to. They are bad at starting conversations and tend to run away from settings with other people because they don’t think they know what to say. An introvert can decide to inject him or herself into a social situation and be fine, speak and relate well and then return to the solemnity of their life and be ok but a shy person may want to and most times wants to be social but somehow don’t know how to or rather they feel they don’t know how to. Shy people have a lot to say but most times keep in buried in because they just don’t think they will fit in.
And finally to social anxiety. People with social anxiety feel extremely uncomfortable in social situations and settings. They are constantly afraid that they would do or say the wrong thing. Individuals with social anxiety are over conscious of how they appear in a social gathering. They are overly conscious of how they look, how they speak, how they stand, how they smile or how their legs move when they are walking. They feel that people are consistently judging them so they can’t be themselves and are very uncomfortable around people.
Tragically I fall into all three categories and I have had people tell me I can’t be who I want to be because I am not ‘loud’ or very free with people. I know a lot of people have experienced this at some point or the other. I can’t say I have overcome it because I believe being an introvert is not something you outgrow or need to over come because it is part of who you are and people should stop making introverts feel like they are broken in some way. Introverts or shy people or those with social anxiety have a lot to offer but most times aren’t given an opportunity to show this.
I am speaking as someone who has been looked over because I am introverted to all the introverts out there that the fact that you are little more quit than the person beside you doesn’t make you less than what that person is. It’s who you are so it should not be the reason you fail but the reason you fight through to break forth. I know I have used the fact that I am an introvert or shy or not bold enough as an excuse not to do things but no more. It might be an extrovert’s world but its introverts that make it what it is.
Let’s not use our personalities as excuses anymore, we must rise in spite of it and show everyone that you don’t have to be ‘loud’ to make impact. Being an introvert is not some kind of disease even though people see it that way and use it’s a reason to constantly give advice. Sometimes I roll my eyes in my head because everything they say I know because we introverts are not broken and don’t need to be fixed so to all the introverts out there; your power is in your silence and the few words you utter. Change the world the way you are without changing for anyone, do not let it be your crutch but the wings upon which you take flight and soar.
Closure…..a phenomenon I am yet to comprehend.
How could a single act lessen a world of hurt?
Yet people keep asking for closure.
I never understood but now I do because somehow I have it.
Somehow I can breath easy and see a light at the end of the tunnel.
It never seemed like I could get over you or be free from you but finally, finally……finally I am.
Now I know you don’t love me and never did.
I am finally free, that’s closure isn’t it??
Well, whatever it is I am grateful to God it has happened.
My search for happiness begins here……
You were the first people I knew and loved,
You were the first people that knew and loved me.
I was a treasure,
You were my keeper,
Keeping me safe and secure from those who would seek to hurt me,
And finally bringing me forth when I was strong enough.
Yes, I am strong enough now,
To see the tears you didn’t cry,
But wanted to,
To see the scabbed hands that moulded me,
I see the love that was my strength,
But its my turn to hold your hands up,
And love you till there is very little you will ever need.
I will make you happy,
I will make you proud,
And I will not let the sweat you sweat over me bring you shame,
Because you deserve all the happiness I can give,
And I know the ones I can’t provide God will.
But I will never stop trying to be the best daughter,
To the best parents in the world.
She told me my heart was a gift,
But all I saw was the weakness it brought.
The tears I cried that weren’t mine in the first place,
The times I smiled to give others strength when I wanted to be anything but.
More than I should,
More than I want to.
But I remeber her words that someone out there needs that heart,
But this heart that wants to loves,
Also hurts too easily.
What do I do then?
I was going through some old papers in my bag, looking for a poem I wrote a while ago but I didn’t find it, instead I stumbled upon something much more precious. It was an email my mum had sent to me in my 1st year, it was so wonderful that I had to write it out in my journal and keep it.
I realized that my mum has been with me through some of the toughest times in my life and it honestly made me tear up. Back then I was struggling with acceptance among my peers because of the values I held dear to me but when I read those words she had written almost 3 years ago I knew how I had made it through.
My mum is a strong woman because I have seen her in times when anyone else would have broken down but she stood tall.
My mum is beautiful because her heart shines with so much love it radiates even on her skin.
My mum is special because if there was anyone I would want to be like its her.
She is one if the greatest gifts God has ever given me and mummy just in case I don’t say this enough, I love you so so so much and you are the best mum in the world. As I get older, everyday I hope to be a little but more like you because even becoming half the woman you are is a lot!!
I love you mum and remember you are treasured today and always!!
When I was a child,
I was a child,
All I have ever known is how to be a child;
Now I am grown up,
It seemed I woke up and became this way,
But it has been happening over time,
And I suddenly have to be ready,
But am I?
I was a child,
All I have ever known is how to be that,
But I am more than that now,
And that realization has its fears and thrills.
Life’s a journey they say,
And mine seems to only be beginning.
I was a child,
But now I am much more…
Photo credit: valentinesday.com
If I say I love you,
Will you say it back?
If I say I think of you always,
Would I share your thoughts?
If I tell you yours is the only face I see on my knight,
Would that make you happy?
If I say I could never stop loving you,
Would you share my sentiments?
If I say you are my always and forever,
Would you say I was yours?
I literally just wrote this and I don’t know where it came from *actually I do* but that’s just for me and my thoughts that keep me up at night!!
Have a great weekend everyone and even though valentine’s day is over, the act of love and kindness never ends!!
My power isn’t in how I speak,
My strength is in solemnity and thought.
My true self is not found with people,
Its with a pen, a paper and my mind.
We live in a world that values the man of action,
More than the man of contemplation.
A speaking mouth,
More than a thinking mind.
I wanna be great but how can I be when who I am is not acceptable?
But I don’t want to be acceptable,
I want to be outstanding.
My personality will not be my hurdle,
But the reason I fight through and break forth.
Inspired by Susan Cain’s “Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can’t stop talking.”
Today I saw an angel,
She didn’t have hairs spurn of gold and emerald,
A circle of glowing light didn’t rest upon her head,
Neither did she float as gracefully as the clouds.
She stood like a mere man,
Among men she dwelt,
All that set her apart was her nature.
Her hands are always down, pulling others up.
Her embrace is there to comfort the hurt,
And her lips speak words that heal,
And her very presence brought light to the darkest ally.
She stood like a mere man,
Amongst men she dwelt,
But she wasn’t like others,
She was who others should be,
Who others needed to be.